Cary,
I have a friend I’ve known and loved for more than 20 years. She’s smart, pretty, verbal, sensitive, spiritual and deep. She’s been there for me, mostly from afar (we live in different cities), through all kinds of ups and downs. I like to think I’ve been there for her too. (I’m not sure she’d agree, which is kind of why I’m writing.) Nevertheless, we’ve listened to each other cry. We’ve laughed together. We’ve discussed, delighted and commiserated.
When we were in our 20s, she burned all her journals. I really thought I’d lose her then, but she says she is not capable of suicide. She says she feels at odds on this planet, and wishes she could “go home.”
Over the past several years, her personal situation has taken a nose dive. I wouldn’t feel right going into the details, but pick an area, any area (finances, love, hope, purpose) and it’s been affected.
I’ve tried to listen. I’ve tried to be there for her. But the torrent (that’s how I experience it, as a torrent) of negativity feels unendurable to me. I feel like a total failure as a friend. I feel deeply that a good friend, a “real” friend, would be able to sit with someone she loved and do nothing, simply listen, simply bear witness. To anything. No matter how sustained the misery. No matter how impossible the hope.
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Is my friend suicidal?
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